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Seven minutes

Seven minutes is how long it took between me emailing my paper to the prof and him responding with “Well done. Just remember to date your paper on the cover page.”

Seven minutes.

No way he read it. Does he not realize how hard I worked to put fuckery in there? I used “death ray” a dozen times! In context! I used “crazypants” as a description! I not only referenced a flux capacitor, I added a sonic screwdriver AND an interocitor! 

Goddamnit, don’t give me a “well done” unless you can truly appreciate the beauty of that!

I just told my classmates that I’ll give $10 to whichever one of them puts “Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana" in their paper before turning it in.

Today’s to-do list:

1. Using “crazypants” in an academic paper.
2. Using “death ray” at least a dozen times in an academic paper.
3. Stating that someone was a time traveler in an academic paper.
4. Using the words “kablammo” and “kablooey” in today’s presentation.

Number one is completed. On to number 2.

I remember the days when I could simply watch tv or a movie without being shamed for simply enjoying it as it was intended. I also remember when I didn’t get constant shame for my career choice. Both were before I started reading Tumblr. Probably not a coincidence. I’m tired, have too much homework to do, my classmates are internet trolls, the dean is sitting on my graduation approval forms, I’m close to abandoning my dream. and all the shows I have recorded fill me with dread despite once filling me with joy. TGFMinecraft.

Cookies. Magic fucking cookies.

I’ve been making classic chocolate chip cookies all my life. I probably learned to bake them before I could walk. Then many years ago, I moved to high altitude where reality (i.e. classic chocolate chip cookie recipes) failed. I tried for years to perfect one, and never got it quite right (though who doesn’t like testing all the failures?).

On a whim, I decided to bake cookies to take to class tomorrow. One of my classmates is a vegetarian and I don’t know if he eats eggs or not, so I decided to be safe and make vegan cookies. I found a recipe claiming to be the best vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe ever. I said okay, whatever, let’s do this. 

Oh my fucking god. These cookies are FUCKING MAGIC SPACE COOKIES!

In all my time at high altitude, I never got anywhere this close to cookies that were like the classic recipe and I was using eggs and dairy in mine! 

Other than the coconutty aroma while baking, these damn things are almost indistinguishable from the classic chocolate chip cookie. Baking time took a longer for me than the blogger (my oven sucks), but the damn things came out just right.

My classmates might not get any tomorrow if I don’t hide them from the rest of the house…

(Disclaimer, I used to be vegan, so I know how nommy vegan food is, but the cookies thing is a goddamn miracle.)

theahole asked:

Why haven't I gone to bed yet? I have an appointment at 9, dammit.

There are microscopic creatures called nocturnites that live in our ear hairs. Everyone has them, in varying amounts, and the buggers are voracious breeders. Normally, the excess nocturnites are shed from our ear hairs via the younger generations wanting to go see what life is like on other bodies. However, occasionally a generation will come along that’s directionally impaired and instead of traveling out of the ear canal, they go deeper until they hit the brain. Once they hit the brain, they get start getting high on electrical signals and keep our neurons firing to live vicariously through our perceptions, which then keeps us awake longer than we’re supposed to, no matter how early we have to get up tomorrow.

levon76 asked:

Can you suggest some questions to ask? I'm not feeling particularly troubled this evening.

I don’t know the questions, I only know the answers. I can’t promise the answers conform to a specific reality, though. And I may or may not be answering in robot form.

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